"Mom Won't Move Out!"
You've probably heard about "boomerang kids" - adult children who move back in with mom and dad. But what if it's your parent who's the boomerang? Rasheeda was thrilled to have her mother Adrian move in with her, since she would have someone to watch her little boy while she went to work. And Adrian was excited because in exchange for her day care service, her daughter was going to help her pay for her nursing school. But the joy of the mother-daughter reunion didn't last very long.
"I did not realize what I was getting into! I feel like I'm in high school again. Originally, she was supposed to move into the [finished] basement, and then slowly her stuff creeped up. Now she's in the laundry room -- she turned it into a closet. There's the washer, dryer and then her clothes. And I had said to stay in the basement! I definitely love my mom, but I hope she moves out next year!"
"I quit two jobs, I left a boyfriend, my other grandbabies, my friends, family, everything to move in with Adrian. But the basement's creepy! I don't like being cramped up. I'm used to having room to spread out. I don't have enough space."
Though Adrian's clothes have spread to the laundry room and even into Rasheeda's closet, the clash between mother and daughter goes beyond the need for more space. Rasheeda says the number one issue is that her mom does things without asking. For example, Adrian threw out Rasheeda's kitchen table and replaced it with one she bought.
"Yes, I threw it out," Adrian admits. "I didn't feel bad about it. She doesn't believe in buying new things."
Rasheeda contends, "I understand that you're trying to do good things for me, but you have to ask."
Can life coach Harriette Cole make peace between this mother and daughter?
"Any time people live together," Harriette advises, "you have to create boundaries and you have to revisit those boundaries. Rather than sending mom home early, sit down and figure out what the refreshed boundaries are. Mom, there are storage units to hold things when you don't have enough room. It's really not fair to crowd out your daughter's house with all your stuff.
And going into your daughter's closet? It's already a prickly situation and you probably weren't thinking about what that means to invade her room and her closet and put your stuff in there. It's when we don't think about things that we hurt people the most."
Harriette's got one final suggestion to help clear the air. She suggests,
"When you have those frustrations like 'I left my friends,' or 'I want my mother out,' then Rasheeda, it's time to give your mother the gift of a vacation. Send her home for a weekend or a week and arrange for babysitting care so you're not stuck. Your mom will have the time of her life and come back refreshed. Don't wish for either of you to be apart from each other. Just act like adults and figure out how you can create boundaries together, respect each other and love each other. Because I know you do!"
We caught up with Rasheeda and Adrian to see if life has improved since meeting with Harriette ... or if the battle continues.
Have you been able to resolve some issues since you appeared on the show?
Rasheeda: Our relationship has definitely been improving -- slowly, but it's been improving. She hasn't been going into my stuff as much!
Adrian: We've been working on reaching a happy medium, and we've been talking to other people who are in the same situation to see how they have dealt with their issues.
Have you taken Harriette's advice and revisited your boundaries?
Adrian: We talk all the time and try to revisit them, but things can get heated when we meet -- we both have pretty strong personalities. I feel it's prudent to pick it up later when we're not so heated, but she wants to continue the conversation.
Rasheeda: Harriette suggested we sit down once a week to go over any issues, and to table everything until then so we don't let emotions get the best of us. But it's been hard scheduling a time for a quiet discussion since one of us always has to watch my son.
Regarding your mother's need for extra space -- did she get that storage unit?
Rasheeda: She already has two storage units, one in Texas and one here! So I don't think we could afford another one.
Adrian: But I'm slowly getting rid of a couple of things, and I'm definitely scaling down my area.
Is mom going to take that weekend away to get refreshed?
Rasheeda: That was good advice, but I would say that I still feel like I don't have the tools to implement such plans. Right now one of us has to watch my son, so it's tough to have her leave for a week. I don't know if that's going to happen.
Adrian: It's not a good time right now for me to get away, but I would like to. I like to be busy and I get a little stir crazy here sometimes!
Are there plans for mom to move out?
Rasheeda: I know my mom wants her own place. My son turns 2 in November so I'll feel more comfortable looking for other day care options then.
Adrian: I think by then I'll definitely be done! I'm exploring options for nursing schools, but also to become a flight attendant, in which case I'll be away a lot more often!
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